I’m just a bit heartbroken and could do with some support.
My partner and I met in a country that we both are not from (I’ve been here for most of my life, but it is notoriously difficult to get permanent residency here so I am on a work visa). We’ve been dating for a year and he’s everything I’ve wanted, and more.
We’ve had a couple of difficult conversations over the last few days and have realised that there’s no way to make this relationship work. I want to move to a country that he has no interest in going to, and vice versa.
I don’t know how to deal with the pain of knowing that this was the right person, just the wrong time. On top of that, is this my fate as an expat? Should I only date once I know where I want to “settle down”, so to speak?
There are 4 billion people of the opposite sex on this world
Dating while living abroad is very weird when you’re not settled.
I met a lot of people who met in a third country different from each other. Some it works (Americans and Canadians flipping between the two), while some it’s mo e difficult (Brazilian and German friends LIKE Korea, but don’t love it, and don’t care too much for each other’s home county).
I dated two fellow American girls and they both almost immediately wanted to make plans to go back to America… I was bouncing between countries and never in one place longer than a few months doing work I loved that I can’t just pop back to America and do immediately. Plus I was having the time of my life.
I learned it’s important to have that conversation if you want a serious relationship, early, and not to just assume it’ll all work out, or you’ll fix it one day when the time comes. This post is proof that time can indeed become for nothing.
I’m a guy so a bit less pressure from family and hormones, but I was once all about finding a good partner and settling somewhere. Seeing my own struggles and those of others, I decided to casually date with no intention or pressure for longevity.
Those were the best relationships, and oddly caught feelings for more than one (NO this wasn’t multiple women at once. Over a span of time, if feelings got too much we’d end things, which always happened). I learned a lot about myself and that I probably am not marriage material, although I can appear as such to some people.
Saying that to say, who knows that OP’s guy has been thinking internally. When it comes to thinking of planting down, thoughts of what you’re giving up is natural. Maybe he thought of his friends way too much, without thinking they can visit each other and make those now more rare occasions big ordeals. When I used to fly home, my friends went all out with catchup parties. I eventually moved back and hardly see them even though we live within an hour. He may just realize that choosing his friends was a mistake and it’s too late.
Tiny respectful devils advocate time though, the relationship, all things considered, may not have been what he saw being a permanent thing. We only have one POV. Doesn’t have to mean OP is the problem or anything, just don’t know what he’s thinking (maybe family but doesn’t want to admit he’ll miss mom and dad. It happens!)
No it won’t work because the two of you value some other country over each other. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just means you don’t seem to care about each other enough to make plans together. If it was me, I’d be coming up with a new country together if the relationship was important.
This is 100% true. I have met my (now) husband while both of us were living and working in a country that wasn’t our own. After this, I have moved to one country and he was transferred to a different one, which has left us in a distant relationship pretty early on - mind you, none of us was looking for a relationship, let alone all the extra work that distance entails. We decided to give it a go, nonetheless, because we were happy with one another, and we spent a few months separated but he managed to transfer to where I was. Shortly after we moved in together, and we kept on moving from one country to the other (in fact, we’re planning to move again). Curiously enough, we’ve lived together in my country and in his and those were the two countries we felt the worst at…lol We always decide our next steps together and we prioritise what is best for both of us because we love and care for eachother, and that is what makes it work. When a country is not good for one of us, it is not good for both of us, and there are hundreds of countries/regions we can continue to explore until we die - remember, nothing is set in stone.
At the same time, I do believe that it is much better to realise what you just realised, now, than in the long run, after uprooting your life (or both your lives), which would have taken a much heavier toll.
Super Jealous. I just want somebody to explore with. Why is it too much to ask for? :)
Definitely not too much to ask for (although it feels like that nowadays, I believe)…🤦🏻♀️
Relationship goal :)
That’s the thing, until this point my mindset was that I would go wherever he wants to go, because he mattered more to me than the place I ended up.
But when we talked, he made it clear that he wasn’t at the headspace where he was thinking of our future together. That was a bit of a wake up call for me, and I realised I needed to prioritise my desires instead of casting them aside and having nothing to show for it.
I met my current wife in the Netherlands, I was working there and she came with a project. I’m from Romania, she is from Mexico. For 2 years I wasn’t in “the headspace” because I didn’t see it happening from a logistically, birocratic way. During these 2 years she visited me every time she caught a project in Europe and until she took a month of holiday to spend it with me I didn’t believe we had a really good chance for a long term relationship. But when I saw the effort she is making I moved to Mexico for her and we started building a life. We opened several businesses together and we help each other grow and we plan to save some money and buy a house in Europe
Just want to add my 2c in that I think you’re doing the right thing and should be proud that you have the fortitude to stick to your guns. I know how hard a sacrifice like that can be so I admire and envie your strength.
Thank you for your kind words. They give me the strength to keep going.
I want to add my reassurance: if he’s not in a place to be thinking of your future together, you need to be thinking of your future alone. Kudos for recognizing that – it’s one of the hardest things to make yourself do, especially if the relationship otherwise feels as if it’s going well at the time. But if you’re strong enough to have made this decision, you’re strong enough to get through the painful time that follows.
And when you’ve done that, you’ll be in exactly the place where you actually want to live, without having to compromise on it.
Good luck!
Thank you very much.
Just to be sure I’d check if he really means it.
It seems like he doesn’t value ur relationship as much as u do. Move on…
They are only dating for a year! can’t blame the guy for her being pushy
Good on you for prioritizing yourself. It might hurt Ike hell now but you’re making room for someone who will want to plan their life around yours. The longer you stay with someone who isn’t going to do that, the longer you delay finding someone who will.
And if you stay, it will still be painful—but it will be long and drawn out and the pain will come in the form of bitterness and resentment.
You’re making the right call. If you leave, he could follow you if he really wanted to. But chances are he won’t and you’ll end up glad you didn’t put your plans on hold for him….
Okay so the country discrepancy isn’t the issue- the issue is that it (the relationship) isn’t that deep for him.
Relationships are made of compromises, maybe you bite the bullet this time and he’ll bite the next.
You know him, we don’t, would he do it? It’s your call.
Keep going. You only need one.
My partner and I also met in a country neither of us live in. He was to live in the UK because he had family there, I wanted to live in the US because of my career opportunities. Add on complexities of him being a UK citizen and me being US citizen…
At first I was hesitant on moving but changed my mind as our relationship evolved. We both agreed to move based on whatever would close the gap the fastest. The labor market isn’t great right now, and US visa process is insanely long so it’s definitely difficult. However, it is doable with the right person.
If your man abandon his goal for you, you will lose interest in him. However, we don’t lose interest in a woman who made a sacrifice for us, we value it a lot.
Booooo 👎
Society is brainwashing you into believing there is a “unique right person”. It’s not the case at all actually. Modern life and all the tools it provides make it possible to find multiple right persons all along your life. So, stop believing in that crap and your life will be much more enjoyable.
I met the right person and I knew he was the right one from the first date. We’ve been married many decades. My in-laws fell in love on the first date, too. And so did my son and his wife. I don’t know how much more enjoyable life can be.
It’s only because you didn’t keep looking that you never met the other perfect partners.
It sounds like a lot of work and suffering to keep breaking up with perfect partners and hunting for new ones.
I don’t know, I have had several multi-year partners and not a single one of them has compared at all to my current partner who I know without a doubt I want to marry and have a family with. I think there’s some truth to the argument that part of the contentment comes from not continuing to search, but there is also something to be said for finding a person who aligns with you in terms of life priorities, sexual compatibility, emotional compatibility, communication styles, values, etc. That’s not always easy to find and align on all of those things and it’s a bit simplistic to say it would be easy to find another one just like that. I think there are right people for different times in our lives, both partners and friends, but there is a lot of value in working towards sharing a life with someone as you both grow and change. Staying with the same person for 20+ years is being with new people too - the people they grow into in their different life phases.
You have a fair point. Rationally, I do believe that there are many people you can be compatible with.
The emotional side of me is getting the better of me, however. Doesn’t help that I have very niche values, and have been told countless times that I’m never gonna find someone. Meeting my partner felt like proving that it was possible, and the fact that I’m losing it is very painful.
Society is also brainwashing you to belive love is just in the movies, traditional life styles is outdated, and that you would be much happier focusing on your career above family.
There is no soul mate but it takes a lot of luck to find compatible people imo
What are the two countries
You should keep dating and keep the vijayjay happy. The right one will come along.
😂😂😂
There are a lot of countries on this planet. The pair of you can’t agree on one country, out of all those options, for the sake of staying together…? 🧐
My partner has very specific ideas about what he wants, and it feels like there’s no space for me in his plans. I don’t want to beg him to try to make it work.
Have you told him this is how you experience the current situation? You should.
I’d say you continue until you find someone who will do what ever it takes. I’m from a super lefty city in Europe and met my now wife on a holiday in Asia. I had my dream job and never wanted to leave my hometown but decided to leave it because I simply loved my wife too much not to at least give it a try. We now still live in Asia (which I don’t like too much) and have two kids. I’m happy and don’t regret a thing despite all the hardships. So stay positive and keep an open mind.
They’re both unwilling to compromise though. She doesn’t want to go to the place he wants to go either, so it’s not like the guy is the hold out
I’ve been told many times that I need to be with someone who’s just as crazy about me as I’m crazy about them. As amazing as my partner is, I know he’s not as invested in me as I him. Perhaps in the future I’ll keep this in mind.
It’s extremely difficult and a common problem. Two expats are compatible now because they’re in a common country, but then it’s time to settle down. When families are extremely far apart, there are language barriers, you’re wondering where to raise children, house affordability… it all gets complicated. One person may sacrifice their wants for the other, but how do you prevent resentment? You may make a deal (we live in your country til the kids are 10, then we move) but what if circumstances change and the kids don’t want to move?
It’s complicated and messy and not exclusively an expat problem, it’s just way more common. Just know you’re not alone, and it’s better that you had this conversation now. He could’ve sacrificed everything to move with you, then left you 10 years in the future.
I agree with this. I moved to Sweden for my masters, and when I was online dating, I prioritized matching with people who were Swedish instead of other immigrants because I didn’t want to get into a situation where myself and my partner were both in a country neither of us was from - I didn’t want to have to leave Sweden because my partner wanted to move home and make a choice between staying in Sweden or moving with them and having to re-learn a third language, start over again, or move back to the US. Even just holidays, having to travel to 2 countries or otherwise alternating which family you see which year gets so complicated and there’s bound to end up with resentment. It would be completely different if my Swedish partner and I chose to move to another country where we were both an immigrant because we made that choice together, but if I was dating someone German or Chilean or Canadian or Australian or Korean or something else, the choice would then be staying where we were both immigrants or moving to where one of us was in their “home turf” and that also changes the relationship dynamic. It was just too many factors that could affect a relationship I wanted to avoid. Totally agree with you that it’s best OP realized this now versus after 10 years of drawn out resentment!
It’s funny to read this because I’m slowly heading towards the opposite situation. I’m in Germany and looking primarily for non-German women because I personally see no future in / for Germany (just staying here for citizenship) and if I fell in love with a local, that would very likely unwillingly tie me to the country forever lol.
Why don’t you want to give it a try? See if you might like the country he is going to?
I met my partner in a country we both are not from. I got PR before moving so slight difference there, my partner was on a work visa and once it ran out, we did long distance for a year and a half. We are now moving back to my home country. I would definitely move to his country if that’s what he wants.
He is not at a place where he’s making plans with us in mind. And he’s told me several times that I should not be doing that either.
Feels like a pretty clear sign that the relationship has run its course. I would’ve been happy to meet him halfway, but was starting to feel like I was the only one willing to put in the effort.
That seems similar to my situation. My partner was not ready to commit to a place, I was not in his future plan and I couldn’t move at the time (waiting for citizenship), hence why we did long distance. We practically took a break there while he went back home as his work visa ran out and he didn’t want me to sponsor him.
I believe if it is meant to be, it will be. We continued keeping in touch and took turns visiting each other for a year and a half. We weren’t interested in dating other people so it was ok.
Then we decided it’s time to have a baby and planned our next move. My son is now 6 months old and we are moving back to my country. We have about 4-5 years before our baby goes to school to decide where to settle so plenty of time.
…that’s not at all what you wrote in your original post…
Dating in general is just tough. Don’t give up. There’s someone somewhere for you.