I’m just a bit heartbroken and could do with some support.
My partner and I met in a country that we both are not from (I’ve been here for most of my life, but it is notoriously difficult to get permanent residency here so I am on a work visa). We’ve been dating for a year and he’s everything I’ve wanted, and more.
We’ve had a couple of difficult conversations over the last few days and have realised that there’s no way to make this relationship work. I want to move to a country that he has no interest in going to, and vice versa.
I don’t know how to deal with the pain of knowing that this was the right person, just the wrong time. On top of that, is this my fate as an expat? Should I only date once I know where I want to “settle down”, so to speak?
It’s extremely difficult and a common problem. Two expats are compatible now because they’re in a common country, but then it’s time to settle down. When families are extremely far apart, there are language barriers, you’re wondering where to raise children, house affordability… it all gets complicated. One person may sacrifice their wants for the other, but how do you prevent resentment? You may make a deal (we live in your country til the kids are 10, then we move) but what if circumstances change and the kids don’t want to move?
It’s complicated and messy and not exclusively an expat problem, it’s just way more common. Just know you’re not alone, and it’s better that you had this conversation now. He could’ve sacrificed everything to move with you, then left you 10 years in the future.
I agree with this. I moved to Sweden for my masters, and when I was online dating, I prioritized matching with people who were Swedish instead of other immigrants because I didn’t want to get into a situation where myself and my partner were both in a country neither of us was from - I didn’t want to have to leave Sweden because my partner wanted to move home and make a choice between staying in Sweden or moving with them and having to re-learn a third language, start over again, or move back to the US. Even just holidays, having to travel to 2 countries or otherwise alternating which family you see which year gets so complicated and there’s bound to end up with resentment. It would be completely different if my Swedish partner and I chose to move to another country where we were both an immigrant because we made that choice together, but if I was dating someone German or Chilean or Canadian or Australian or Korean or something else, the choice would then be staying where we were both immigrants or moving to where one of us was in their “home turf” and that also changes the relationship dynamic. It was just too many factors that could affect a relationship I wanted to avoid. Totally agree with you that it’s best OP realized this now versus after 10 years of drawn out resentment!
It’s funny to read this because I’m slowly heading towards the opposite situation. I’m in Germany and looking primarily for non-German women because I personally see no future in / for Germany (just staying here for citizenship) and if I fell in love with a local, that would very likely unwillingly tie me to the country forever lol.