We both did our graduate studies in Europe, got jobs here and got married 2 years ago. Now I am 5 months pregnant. He got a very unfortunate call a week ago about his mother’s stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis. We’re all heartbroken and figuring out a way to manage this along with the treatments and therapies. He is an only child and he wants to move back to our home country now. I understand his decision for wanting to be with them as I would want the same. But I am not allowed to fly due to risky in my pregnancy. Although I have friends here, none of them close enough to care for me full time. I have already started working reduced hours and get reduced pay. He cannot work from his home country. He needs to quit his job here and move back and find something there. We are still figuring out visa complications in this matter. I do not think I can balance the household with only my income. Moreover, I am scared he’ll miss the birth of our child. We’re trying to get my mother here on Visa but the easiest being the tourist visa route still take months to come. I cannot show the financial means for getting her here on other Visa. my mother cannot speak the language here and I’m afraid will not be able to good emergency contact for all my pregnancy related concerns.
With all these in my mind, I am really skeptical about his decision to go back to our home country to be with his parents. He is calling be selfish for this and not caring about the family. Even after child birth, I am not sure how we will manage this situation.
Do you have any suggestion how how do we go about this?
Edit: we are both from SE Asia, currently living in Europe. It is normal in our culture that kids take care of their parents in their old age.
Additional info from a comment reply: I also have an emergency fund that I opened for my mother since she is a single parent and doesn’t qualify for any health insurance after certain limit. Her only source of income is the money I send from here. My husband is suggesting we take the money from there as well. Although I do not have a problem using that money on the time crunch, I hope he would establish an account again for her within one year since my mother’s health condition has not been the best since a long time. But I understand the cost of treatments for his mother will be high now and I’m afraid if I will sound insensitive if I bring it up now.
You must log in or register to comment.
As an expat this is absolutely nightmare situation to be in, both you and your husband… I don’t have the ability to give advise that make sense but I wish you all the best.
Listen, my mother just got stage 4 cancer. I moved across the country to help. Only child, just like your husband.
Money is only so important.
I can understand your concerns about pregnancy. Maybe you can take a boat instead of a plane?
Family is much more important. Consider supporting your husband.
Stay behind in Europe. Let him go back to his country, once its closer to birth, he arrives. Then you both go back with the child and stay in his country until his parent dies. I believe the issue here is that you want your child to have a European passport? His mother may have only few years to live. Even if he misses the start, his child will not be gone forever like his mother.
When I was expecting our first child years ago, my husband’s dad was sick back in their home country and he was about to leave to be with him (thinking he would die) and would have missed our child being born… Not saying it’s right but I think there are many dads that don’t connect with their babies until they’re earthside.
That said, the best advice I can think of is for both of you to apply for remote jobs asap to maximize finances no matter where you are. That also bodes well for moving internationally/visas if needed.
I’m sorry you’re going through this! Sending positive vibes for you and the baby especially!
I just lost my mum to (stage 4) breast cancer. I live in the US and my mum lived in the UK. She didn’t live long after her diagnosis and I will always regret I didn’t make it home in time to see her. I thought she would have longer than a month. It’s a terrible disease and realistically if his mum is stage 4 she is an incredibly sick woman who may not have long left, but yes could also have another 3-5 years.
Your husband will most likely regret it if he does not go home to see her. I would think he could be granted compassionate leave? He could combine this with annual leave probably. His first step should be talking to his work about compassionate leave/annual leave and ensuring he gets to spend time with his mother.
It’s a terrible shock getting this news and your husband will be going through all kinds of emotions. He needs time to absorb what is happening and the reality of the situation. When possible try to talk to him to explain your needs too, in a calm and supportive manner. I am sure he won’t want to miss his child’s birth but at the moment probably all he can think about is his mother.
Does he know what treatment she can have? At stage 4 there was little they could do for my mum. She had a few sessions of radiotherapy for the lesions on her spine and was given strong drugs but she was too sick to undergo chemotherapy. It would be good for you both to understand what treatments are possible at this point and the prognosis. It will be dependent on how far the cancer has spread already.
He needs to see his mum and take this time, but when he is calmer you should discuss with him your imminent birth and the life you have together . Perhaps it is possible to suggest to him that he speaks with his work and takes leave for now so he doesn’t close that door permanently while he is not thinking straight then he can see his mum and family and consider with you what the next step is.
It’s a tough situation for you all and I wish you the best.
I am very sorry for your situation. Nobody should be forced through such dilemmas. I do understand his attachment and duties and obligations that he has as a child to his parents. But he’s not only a child anymore - he is about to become a father and has to realize that. It’s though, heartbreaking and soul crushing, but putting his own family into legal and financial instability to say proper goodbyes to his passing parent sounds like a very reckless decision with long-term complications. Sacrificing his soon-to-be child well being does not sound like a fair deal.
Tell him not to make huge decisions while under emotional stress
Why can’t he go to India for a few weeks?
Come back for birth and get settled in with baby and then go back to India. Are parents in financial position to hire some help in India? Bring an extended family member home to help? Then your husband can have a little peace of mind.
Also plan to have your mom or siblings around post birth for support.
Find a way to make it work so no one feels abandoned during a trying time. Don’t hand ultimatum and create more pressures
It seems like a Greek tragedy. On the other hand, it can be an oedipal complex non-resolute. My sister had a problem like yours. When her in-law mother was dying of liver cancer, her husband slept in the hospital for a while and left her with three kids at home. She was upset, and after he was in therapy for months. As a Westerner, I will choose the life to be, but personally, I would prefer to be married to a wife, who say: ‘‘Go and take of your mother, I will manage’’
It’s really sad his mom is unwell and sorry you are both going through this.
I have had a sick parent before and they had to relocate back to india for a time and unfortunately I didn’t get to see my father during that period apart from flying him home to get treatment. I had to stay in the country I live in to help have a stable job and pay medical bills because my sibling couldnt bear it all on his own, understandably. I’m very fortunate he had surgery and thanks to the Almighty he is here today.
Your husband’s first duty to everyone even traditionally is to ensure financial stability to
- Pay the bills
- Take care of medical needs where possible.
- Maintain as much as possible a comfortable life for you and your baby.
How will he do this without a job? His very first duty right now is to you, especially because you are pregnant with his child and his parents grand children.
Can he not just do visitations? Are there no family members to take care of mom, nurses that can be organized etc?
No one can replace mom, for now negotiate on a visit. Let him go see her then you deal with relocating later.
He could attend interviews remotely and all of you move together when he finds a stable and well paying job?
At a first glance it sounds like he’s extremely emotional and panicked at the moment, which is absolutely the worst state to be in when it comes to making any long term life decisions.
So what he should do is probably take whatever vacation days he can, go visit his parents and get everything, including himself, in order before returning home to you. He should absolutely not make any long term life decisions in his current state, including something utterly moronic like that resignation letter. It’s quite clear that money is going to be an issue not just for you, but also for the treatment of his mother, so how could he even consider giving up his job like that? Worst case he won’t even be able to help pay for the treatment of his mother. In such a position do not resign from a job before you have secured another! I’d advice trying an argument like that in order to reason him out of that resignation letter. He needs to slow down and make some proper plans before he drives his entire family, parents included, off a financial cliff.