We both did our graduate studies in Europe, got jobs here and got married 2 years ago. Now I am 5 months pregnant. He got a very unfortunate call a week ago about his mother’s stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis. We’re all heartbroken and figuring out a way to manage this along with the treatments and therapies. He is an only child and he wants to move back to our home country now. I understand his decision for wanting to be with them as I would want the same. But I am not allowed to fly due to risky in my pregnancy. Although I have friends here, none of them close enough to care for me full time. I have already started working reduced hours and get reduced pay. He cannot work from his home country. He needs to quit his job here and move back and find something there. We are still figuring out visa complications in this matter. I do not think I can balance the household with only my income. Moreover, I am scared he’ll miss the birth of our child. We’re trying to get my mother here on Visa but the easiest being the tourist visa route still take months to come. I cannot show the financial means for getting her here on other Visa. my mother cannot speak the language here and I’m afraid will not be able to good emergency contact for all my pregnancy related concerns.
With all these in my mind, I am really skeptical about his decision to go back to our home country to be with his parents. He is calling be selfish for this and not caring about the family. Even after child birth, I am not sure how we will manage this situation.
Do you have any suggestion how how do we go about this?
Edit: we are both from SE Asia, currently living in Europe. It is normal in our culture that kids take care of their parents in their old age.
Additional info from a comment reply: I also have an emergency fund that I opened for my mother since she is a single parent and doesn’t qualify for any health insurance after certain limit. Her only source of income is the money I send from here. My husband is suggesting we take the money from there as well. Although I do not have a problem using that money on the time crunch, I hope he would establish an account again for her within one year since my mother’s health condition has not been the best since a long time. But I understand the cost of treatments for his mother will be high now and I’m afraid if I will sound insensitive if I bring it up now.
I just lost my mum to (stage 4) breast cancer. I live in the US and my mum lived in the UK. She didn’t live long after her diagnosis and I will always regret I didn’t make it home in time to see her. I thought she would have longer than a month. It’s a terrible disease and realistically if his mum is stage 4 she is an incredibly sick woman who may not have long left, but yes could also have another 3-5 years.
Your husband will most likely regret it if he does not go home to see her. I would think he could be granted compassionate leave? He could combine this with annual leave probably. His first step should be talking to his work about compassionate leave/annual leave and ensuring he gets to spend time with his mother.
It’s a terrible shock getting this news and your husband will be going through all kinds of emotions. He needs time to absorb what is happening and the reality of the situation. When possible try to talk to him to explain your needs too, in a calm and supportive manner. I am sure he won’t want to miss his child’s birth but at the moment probably all he can think about is his mother.
Does he know what treatment she can have? At stage 4 there was little they could do for my mum. She had a few sessions of radiotherapy for the lesions on her spine and was given strong drugs but she was too sick to undergo chemotherapy. It would be good for you both to understand what treatments are possible at this point and the prognosis. It will be dependent on how far the cancer has spread already.
He needs to see his mum and take this time, but when he is calmer you should discuss with him your imminent birth and the life you have together . Perhaps it is possible to suggest to him that he speaks with his work and takes leave for now so he doesn’t close that door permanently while he is not thinking straight then he can see his mum and family and consider with you what the next step is.
It’s a tough situation for you all and I wish you the best.