After spending my entire 20s and early 30s abroad i covered some serious ground working in Canada, Ireland, Cambodia, Honduras, Dubai, UK and most recently the Netherlands. I landed in the Netherlands 3 months before the pandemic broke out and was barred from my country Australia for years which did a number on my mental health with my mum unwell and i unable to return. I finally got a repatriation flight home and was in Australia working remotely for a year for the same Dutch company. I started to question returning to The Netherlands but with the sudden outbreak of the war in Ukraine and the fear of getting locked out of Australia again i was apprehensive, so i went and worked remotely in Bali and thought i might start a business and set up there as an option. My Dutch visa unexpectadly got revoked and i was suddenly devastated over the loss of it and everything i invested so hard in. I ended up with a severe mental health decline called burnout and had to return to Australia. Ive now been back in Australia recovering for 9 months and it’s not the place i thought or remember it to be. Friends have all moved on, even family members have their own lives, the lack of culture, innovation and it,'s isolation from the rest of the world gets me down. It’s so quiet here not much really happens. I know i probably sound spoilt and negative but im really struggling with life here and miss the Netherlands and being in Europe. Ive tried to find a partner for years and settle down somewhere but it doesnt seem to work out for me and i cant find anyone. Im female 33 now and feel like i missed the boat on relationships, family or having an interesting life. I guess being an expat for over 10 years has left my heart in too many places and i feel i belong no where anymore. I dont know what to do now since Australia is not giving me what i want, maybe i should try to move abroad again and try to find a partner somewhere else and settle down. Any experiences or perspectives on trying to settle down again would be helpful. I have no idea what to do anymore or am i just destined to be stuck like this forever.
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At 33, you are not at all “missing the boat” yet on a relationship. 😀
Yes she is, as a female.
This is a common story here. Many people return to their place of origin and expect to find it exactly as they left it. It never is. You’ve changed. It has changed.
It interesting to hear these things about australia. I’m Aussie living in NL and there are so many things I miss about home. The big things are nature: the wild bush and the ocean. I love that you can walk for days in the wilderness without being remotely close to civilisation. That’s something that’s rlly missing in Europe, it can feel claustrophobic here sometimes. I miss people who are down for swimming in every natural body of water they come across even if it’s freezing cold. I think this is a very Aussie thing. I also miss the underground art/party scene that developed in Sydney. True lock out laws were a bummer but they caused this pretty cool underground scene to develop which I haven’t seen in many places.
I also found it very interesting that a lot of ppl here are saying that Australians are set in their ways and not interested in seeing the world. I guess it depends on your circle but actually in my experience it’s the complete opposite. Everyone I know in Australia is dying to travel and everyone saves up for a big overseas trip (at least) every year. It’s almost as if because of our isolation, travelling overseas is even more special and sought after. This tradition of the Big Yearly Trip died off during lockdowns but this year it has come back strong amongst everyone I know. I actually found coming here that in comparison so people back home, Europeans I have met seem remarkably incurious about the world and, compared to most aussies I know, really haven’t travelled all that much, especially to countries outside of Europe. But yeah as I say this is probably dependant on ur friend group:) but I guess my point is that those Aussie definitely exist and you can find them if you want to!
The big things are nature: the wild bush and the ocean. I love that you can walk for days in the wilderness without being remotely close to civilisation. That’s something that’s rlly missing in Europe, it can feel claustrophobic here sometimes.
It’s certainly true that there’s less nature in Europe than Australia. One irony I’ve noticed, though, is that what nature there is here in Europe is more accessible than in Australia.
When I lived in Australia, if I wanted to go for a walk in the countryside, I had to get in the car and drive for 45 minutes+ to get to a national park. Here in Italy, I can walk through the vineyards and forests around my village. The equivalents in Australia were all private land and inaccessible.
I miss people who are down for swimming in every natural body of water they come across even if it’s freezing cold.
Ironically I’ve come across that more in Italy than Australia. There are a few lakes locally where people swim – either just informally or at resorts.
Yeah as an Aussie I HATE cold water! Probably because I grew up on the Gold Coast where it’s warm… I’ve barely been for a swim since moving to the UK lol
I think maybe I should be living in Italy 😂
It definitely has its pluses and minuses, like everywhere else. The bureaucracy can be a pain. For example, I can’t drive because there’s no way to exchange an Australian licence with an Italian one, unlike in most EU countries. I’d need to take test and lessons in Italian or German, and it’s expensive 😬.
I think access to the countryside varies by country, but it’s generally easier in the UK than Australia, for example. The UK has a large network of public “rights of way” (footpaths through the countryside) that Australia does not, for example. These are often pretty ancient, and unpopular with landowners. Unfortunately in Australia, it seems as if landowners had more of a say and didn’t allow for a similar system there.
I’m not sure of the legal basis, but similar walking tracks seem to exist here in Italy and (I think) in France.
Oh nice. To be honest I have been considering moving to Italy. I travelled there in September and absolutely loved it. The next place I settle will be where I do my phd though and I’ve heard some bed “reviews” about doing a phd in Italy haha I wonder if you know anyone doing a phd there?
I’d suggest that Italy is strongly regional, so worth figuring out which region would suit you best. There are lots of differences between the regions here.
As for doing a PhD here – that’s what I’m doing. What bad reviews have you heard?
I’d say there are only two main negatives personally:
(*) The standard studentship gives you about €1200 per month (net/tax-free), which is not great in the north of Italy or in a bigger city. You’d almost certainly have to live in a shared apartment and really be careful with money. It would probably be quite comfortable in a smaller city in the south of Italy, however.
(*) The bureaucracy can be confusing and annoying, both governmental and university. You can normally get through it eventually, but it’s a pain. Personally, I’ve found government bureaucrats to be quite friendly and helpful when you speak with them (though I gather this varies a lot between cities too), but this doesn’t lessen how difficult it is to figure out. As I said above, getting a driving licence is a real pain – that’s the one thing I’ve not managed so far.
I’d suggest the most important factor, regardless of which country you study in, is your supervisor. If you get a bad supervisor, you’ll be miserable regardless of where you are.
Hey this is really good info thank you! I think the bad reviews I’ve heard so far have been mainly the money/funding and bureaucracy like you said but from when you’ve said these don’t seem so bad. And money wise I guess it’s almost the same as australia 😂 I also am unsure of how important to speak Italian I’m a phd…do you speak Italian? I suppose this is something that will depend largely on the group and supervisor though.
Yes, the bureaucracy can be a pain, but it’s worthwhile putting up with. It’s easier if you won’t need to drive while you’re here too – that’s a real pain.
The other disadvantage with funding worth noting is that most universities here provide a scholarship rather than a salary. That becomes an issue if you want to live permanently in the EU, as most countries base pensions on the amount of years worked. A salaried PhD counts towards this (possible in Germany but not Italy), a scholarship does not.
I’m learning Italian, but I’m pathetically bad at it. I spoke some German when I arrived too, which helps here in Südtirol-Alto Adige. French would help in the Valle d’Aosta. Italian is surprisingly difficult to learn, but I think you’d get there eventually.
The exact requirements for language skills would likely vary between universities and departments. I think you should be ok in most science departments, but it’s worth checking. In France, the general rule is that science departments will let you take a PhD in English, but humanities departments will not, and it could be the case here too – I am not sure.
It’s still worth learning some basic Italian anyway, especially if you’ll be living outside a major city – it’s just invaluable for daily life. Finding an apartment or a room is likely going to be easier if you speak some Italian too. (I have to move again soon, so am struggling with this at the moment!)
Just a bit curious how did you get your visa revoked unexpectedly?
please explain to me how the Netherlands is better than Australia at the moment ?
Well things may be strange politically there right now but i miss the expat culture with lots of interesting a successful skilled migrants in Amsterdam. Lot’s of easy social connections, cultural events, travel around Europe. Inflation and cost of living are same in both countries now.
hey mate I just came across your post.
funny because I’m an Australian (33M) living in the Netherlands. I’m alone here, and sometimes it does feel like you’ve “missed the boat”. i can tell you that it’s not easy sometimes not to be able to visit your family members on a whim.
sometimes i jokingly tell myself I’m this guy in this Japanese fairy tale: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urashima_Tar%C5%8D basically when you went away, you had fun, lost track of time, and when you return, everyone has moved on.
i was stuck here during the pandemic, but have gone back and visited twice since the borders reopened. i love travelling (sounds like you do too), and that’s what’s keeping me here. it does feel funny going back to oz though. you’ll still have your old friends, but they might not give you the same attention as before - because they’re also busy and have to work and a family to attend to. it’s not personal. when you go back for a holiday, they make an effort to catch up. but if you’re back home permanently, then you know it’s not like they’ll come visit you every week. the grass is always greener on the other side. there has been quite some posts of aussies/kiwis missing home and wanting to go back, and when they’re back they want to leave again.
if i can advise you on some things, is to put your mental health first, prioritise your family and friends.
i tell you what, see if you can get a remote job. if you can, then you can split 6 months in each country for now, for the next two or three years. then see what happens.
come say hi when you happen to be in Delft or Brisbane ;)
Bali sucks
I’m a 33 yr old Aussie feeling the exact same way about our country. This place is good for those that want to live a very quiet, “normal” life. I find the place largely boring, set in its ways, and averse to any lifestyle that doesn’t fit the norm. I’m moving back out of Australia next year and don’t plan on coming back here, lesson learned!
I plan to do the same as soon as i can figure out the next opportunity i eont be back! Where are you going?
Back to the US. Where are you thinking of going? Best of luck to ya :)
I know exactly what you mean! My return to Australia has been such a disappointment, everyone here seems settled and stuck in their ways, and not that interested in the wider world around them. Am also looking to leave again ASAP! Like OP I’d love to settle somewhere but feel so out of place here.
which city are you in?
i’d like to move back to Australia for a bit, maybe 2 years or so, then i know I’ll be itching to move abroad again :)
really?
I did my masters there and it felt like a boat load of fun with a lot of stuff to do
EU life is WAY more tame compared to aussie life I reckon
If it makes you feel better after I got divorced at the grand old age of 28, and taking 18 months to get my head straight, I found someone, got engaged, had a baby got married and emigrated in about 18 months.
Granted that’s speedy, but it’s absolutely not too late for you.
As you are female you need to get your skates on a bit if you want a family but you haven’t missed the boat yet.
all life choices have their bad side of the coin. your ‘no roots, doing my own thing flitting around’ idea was good for a while and now you’re seeing the downsides and envying all the people who took a different road. that sounds somewhat entitled - they didn’t get the sweet part od your deal, why should you get the sweet part of theirs? I think you need to work on this feeling that you always need to be feeling good and winning and everything going your way. just change what needs to be changed so that your kife suits you more, step by step, and stop feeling entitled to being happy all the time.
Follow your heart and come settle in the Netherlands. 33 is young.
I’ve recently returned to my home country and feel exactly what you are feeling. I feel very lost, lonely and sad tbh. Coming back here feels like a million steps backwards tbh.
All the same people I went to highschool with who’ve settled down with their highschool/uni sweethearts…leading the same lives they’ve always done, just with more kids.
I was like you, hoped to meet my partner overseas and settle down anywhere but boring NZ.
I don’t have any advice or an answer, but just will sit with you and tell you aren’t alone in this feeling. I know what it’s like to feel that sadness and restlessness in your soul. It can physically hurt.
At 33, you still have time to form a relationship…you haven’t missed the boat, not by a long shot.Australia can be difficult that way. I think it 100% depends on exactly where you live, but many places do seem quite suburban and culturally rather dull. If you can afford to live in a more interesting town or city, that’s not the case, but – no coincidence – they’re often the most expensive places to live.
I grew up in London, and found moving back to suburban Queensland to be a difficult move. I had no trouble making friends in London, but found it near impossible in Queensland. It took me about 15 years to figure out a way to leave, and now I’m studying in Italy. Hoping I won’t have to go back… It’s not perfect, of course, and you can’t escape unhappiness or negative thoughts – but at least it’s not it’s not as stultifyingly suburban, and people are more open and accepting here than in suburbia.
I suspect I could quite enjoy living in a more cosmopolitan part of Australia, but could never afford it. Ironically, moving overseas was probably an easier option.
Reverse integration is a real thing and happens to many people, so know that you’re not alone in what you’re experiencing.
If you want to stay there, then you need to treat home like you’re moving to a new place. How would you make friends and build up a network? You can do that there too.
What worries me more is your mental health decline. You say you weren’t happy in the Netherlands either, and it didn’t work out in Bali, and now you’re not happy in Australia. You can’t find a partner. Can you spot the common denominator? If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy anywhere, and you won’t start to attract friends or romantic interests. As the saying goes, you tend find someone when you’re least looking for someone.
You need to get at the root of your issues and solve those, and then decide where you physically want to be. If you’re always falling for the “grass is green on the other side” thinking, that can be toxic. Do you have resources to access a therapist? If so, this would be a very useful investment. If not, then start to read some good books about mental health.
A good starting point might be these books, which are by actual psychologists.
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb
Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before by Julie Smith
The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read, by Philippa Perry
Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E.Young, Janet S. Klosko
Remember, you’re not alone. Many people have similar feelings, and there’s a path forward for you, you will get over this and build an amazing life.