Im going to share an observation. Tell me if you’ve seen this regardless of the country. Got a relative who came back to the states to bury his wife who passed away overseas. He noted after the funeral everyone went back to their lives. Upon returning to India where he’s been only a 1.5 yrs, he was swarmed with comfort and condolences by ppl he just met. He is not Indian. Example 2, when my father mom passed years back, we went down to see him. We were the only ones that showed up at that point and they know a lot of people. He said, if he was in haiti, his house would be swarmed. But in the states, its empty. Anyone else seen this phenomenon of how different cultures respond to the grieving? (serious replies only please)
Western culture is uncomfortable about death. My grief group discussed this. Basically, a couple people brought us food, but that’s it. We wished there was a way for people (public) to know you’re grieving, instead of thinking you’re just being weird and clueless in the grocery store. A year’s worth of wearing black sounds good to me, if it means people extend grace. But everyone wears black all the time, so we don’t have very good supportive community rituals and traditions around death here, likely due to our “rugged individualism” ideals.
In the earlier 20th century people wore black armbands to show they were in mourning when a family member died. My parents and their parents did that—I still have pics. I recall it from childhood.
Yes - that is what I wish existed today. We don’t have any current traditions like that anymore, aside from gold stars for military families.
When my dad died in 2012 I wore one anyway. Some people understood and others asked; I explained. reaction swere interesting. Some people shrank back and scurried away from it. (It is true that Americans fear death and have few traditions to help get through it.) Others said “that is a good tradition” or something to that effect. You could re=establish that tradition (fter all people started pink ribbon-wearing for breast cancer etc.) I intend to do wear the black armband around my left arm (nearest the heart) again, the next time I am in mourning.
Maybe it’s partially that the dead live on in other cultures - shrines to ancestors, belief in reincarnation -and also generations stay in the same area. Whereas in the US, we are constantly reinventing ourselves, moving across the country from where we grew up, etc. There is more of an emphasis on new vs old since the country as we know it now is a relatively new one.
You know why? Because people in India knew him. He was spending time in that community forming bonds. And he stopped building the community in the states so the emotional ties weren’t there.
When my grandmother died, my grandpas house was full of people for over a month. You know why? They chose to be active in their church and community and people felt connected to them in their recent memory.
The grass is greener where you water it.
U assumed a lot. I dont think what u said applies here. He is super close to his family in the States and they are a horde of them. Thats the nature of that clan. Appreciate feedback though.
That’s not entirely true. I’m Indian and the society there is really more supportive of grieving. I live in the west now and I find the society here cold. They do that to give you space, and that’s probably what some people need. But there are those who need more of their community around them at times like this (and child birth etc) and do not receive it.
Exactly
Yes, there are some countries where a funeral is about the dead, and other countries where a funeral is about the living.
In the first countries, only close family and friends of the dead person will turn up. In the second countries everyone in the community, even people who have never met the dead person, will turn up because it’s a show of support for the surviving family members and friends.
I think you nailed.
There are communities of color as well as Jewish people who still are very much like this in America. But for the most part, the voluntary busyness of American culture does not leave time for this type of support. In addition, while people in many other countries tend to remain in their community for life (whether by choice, culture, or circumstances), Americans are the most transient people on the planet, in a very large country. So there is less opportunity to provide this kind of support.
great response.
Thx!
This!