Long story short, I was guilt tripped for 3 years into coming home. I think the reason is that I’m from a small family.
Anyways, when I finally caved in and said I’m coming back to stay with family for a while, they complained so much about putting me up and just made me feel as if I was begging. When I told them that I had spent loads of money on plane tickets and even took unpaid leave from work, they told me ‘it’s not all about you’
My mum asked my brother behind my back whether I was giving him any money for the 15 minute lifts he offered to give me in his car, and when I confronted her about it, she said ‘we all have our own lives and problems to deal with’ in a really pissed off tone.
It feels that even after flying to the other side of the world to see them, they want me to go the extra mile rather than just supporting me when I’m on their side. Asking for support seems like an insult to them.
I dunno, it was just a really unpleasant experience and I feel that they’re telling me to come back whilst pushing me away. I feel that although my family say that my move abroad made them depressed, upset etc, they’re unwilling to put in the support to have me here.
I’m happy in my new country and didn’t even really want to go back. I went back for them only, but it’s like they’re expecting me to pay for literally everything and then just complain when I ask one of them to lift a finger to help.
MY QUESTION: Would you go home for a family who ‘misses and loves you’ and ‘felt depressed when you left’ even if you had to pay for basically everything and have barely any support from them? Is it really our responsibility to go home, or should we just continue our lives without looking back?
I live by the expression: your expectation is not my obligation
So do what you want, what feels right for you. And don’t be guided by your family’s expectations. So I would distance myself more and no longer visit family
If your family - or anyone - is warm, respectful, supportive and friendly towards you, you owe them at least common courtesy, and hopefully by responding in kind the bonds of affection will grow.
If they’re manipulative, talking about you behind your back, laying on guilt or making unreasonable demands you do NOT owe it to them - even family, even a spouse - to be a victim.
You deserve to be treated respectfully simply because you’re a human being. As a family member one would hope that you’d be treated with more than the baseline level of compassion. If they’re not capable of that, you have no obligation to do anything more than what you want or are willing to do.
Home is where you make it, and yours is your new country
Families will give you the worst deal ever.
If you got through the trouble of getting home and there’s no warm, genuine welcome, say your goodbyes and never return unless there’s a funeral or wedding you want to attend.
When people go abroad, the ones staying at home think that the new country is the country of milk and honey. In a certain way it is, why else would you leave you country if not to have a better life. So there is the expectation of you paying for your own stuff and even supporting your family members in your home country. When immigrants send news/pictures to their relatives at home, or put it on social media, they share good stuff, nice pictres, not a rant about the mundane, negative things in life. So peole at home get a wrong sense of what life abroad is.
You coming to visit from overseas and your mom is asking your brother if you’d given him money like he’s an Uber driver is completely taking the piss. They demand you come back with the caveat you pay for everything and don’t stay with them or ask for anything is just setting you up to fail.
It sounds like they are punishing you for leaving and if you move back you’d doubtless find yourself an unwanted burden and scapegoat for any problems. You can’t win with people like that. Go back to Japan and make a new family with your wife.
The upshot of your visit is that you’ve remembered or possibly found a reason that justifies why you left in the first place: manipulative, selfish relatives.
Whether you move half way across the planet or an hour away, you have to go off and live your life. You aren’t an indentured servant to their emotional needs.
It feels like they see you leaving as something awful you did to them, and so you staying with them is like an additional insult. It’s messed up.
I would face time them but not waste the money to physically go back.
Some people just like complaining. They complain when you are not there, then they complain when you are.
My relationship with my family was never good, but my mom said so many times that I never visited that after 2 years, I decided to go.
I said I would be there between 11 am and 1 pm. I drove and arrived near 11:30. I rang the bell. My mom opened the door said: it’s you. I wasn’t expecting you before 1pm. She closed the door and went back to bed.
I thought: ya now I remember why I don’t come home. When she woke up, I gently reminded her that she closed the door to my face. She denied doing it.
I never went back. I was kind of thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I remembered. It was worse.
I think it’s reasonable to pay for basics when you stay with someone long-ish term. Pay for daily use things that you would have paid for at home. Buy groceries, keep their gas tank full, etc.
Help around the house without being asked, too. Keep up with the dishes, cook, volunteer to mow the lawn or whatever. Do daily things that need doing.
This is what I call Boomer Energy. It’s a serious illness that many-a-boomers have but luckily I’ve figured out how to manage it (note I also love a lot of boomers so this isn’t a hate comment toward an entire generation, just a general trend I see amongst some of them).
Anyways, I’m well versed in Boomer Energy and whether you live abroad or back home, the qualities of said boomer will not change. If you were to move home you’ll see these ugly qualities reappear in new situations and scenarios.
My advice: I’m not one for cutting people out, but be mindful of their toxic qualities and when they start doing their ugly song and dance ignore their comments. I also create distance- I’ll still spend time with them in multi person settings but otherwise I don’t go out of my way to send a lot of texts or make 1:1 plans. I also give my attention to other people in a group setting as well so they start to register that maybe somethings off with your relationship and correct the way they act.
It’s the fictitious negative assumptions that really get me. For example, your brother didn’t care that you didn’t pay him for the lift, yet your mom made up a story in her head and caused a whole thing over nothing. If there is a term for this other than delusional, I need to know.
Well the cost is on you as an adult.
Every family is different, mine don’t mind pitching in. Some expect you to come back successful and treat them.
Most treat you the same as if you lived there if it’s a longer visit (more than 1-2 weeks).
I’ve been to this rodeo. I go years between visits, stay at a hotel and meet family members preferably at a restaurant, bar, beach… visit their house in the afternoon and bring some cake.