This was my husband and I. After meeting, living, and getting married in the third country, he dropped it on me that he wanted to go back home to his country. I was still in my early 20s and feeling down for the adventure, so I agreed.

We moved and I made it work (including doing all the bureaucracy myself, learning his language, and working in my career in his language for a number of years) but I’ll be honest that I had a ton of resentment because I felt sort of bait-and-switched. A lot of our arguments come back to this feeling and the massive workload on my part to make this work, but as it stands I’m currently back in my home country for a spell since I got laid off at my last job and needed to take a good job offered back home.

All that to say…it’s extremely difficult. It’s definitely way different than meeting initially in a country where one of you is from, because at least there isn’t that big shakeup. You also have this sense of comradery in the third county, like an “us against the world” vibe that goes away when you move, and you can end up feeling very alone/isolated.

Just speaking from my own experience, at least. It’s hard for sure.

Definitely the case for us, I think moving to his / my country will give one of us an unfair advantage (proximity to family, language, employment opportunities, financial stability, existing friendships) that can create tension. In fact, when we met I made it pretty clear to him that I do not intend to move from where we are to his country in the future, since it’s a pretty common thing.

I experienced this with my ex partner, we were together for a very long time and eventually we moved to his home country, bought a house there etc. This was after many, many conversations, I was generally pretty open to living anywhere, but due to language issues (I’m fluent in his native language but he never learned my language), job opportunities and other reasons it just made the most sense. Eventually (after 6+ years living there and over a decade together) I found out he’s been cheating and lying about many things the whole time which was awful, but the worst thing was not having a single person to talk to because all our friends and family in that country believed his lies and sided with him. I spent more than a year completely alone and deeply depressed while trying to sort out the mortgage and other financial obligations, paperwork, closing my business and so on so I could leave the country. It was very, very difficult. I doubt I’ll ever be able to trust anyone the same again, but even if I did, I would make sure I protected myself (primarily financially). That being said, my view is probably very skewed due to the betrayal I experienced from multiple people, but I really do feel that the person that moves to their partner’s country is in a much more vulnerable position. Also, in my case, they started acting differently after moving back home and they never had any consideration or appreciation for the sacrifices I made to live there.

YES! We have lived in all 3 (his country, my country and a third country) and are currently in the process of moving back to the 3rd country. We’ve been living in my country the past few years and it just doesn’t work, he doesn’t fit in here and I end up feeling like I constantly have to mediate between my husband and the country. I’m very happy and relieved we decided to move again, though there is also a sense of loss and sadness that we couldn’t make it work.

I completely understand where you’re coming from and it is indeed a strange existence. You lose a little part of who you are in order to be with this person. It’s worth it, for me anyway, but it is a sacrifice that people who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand. It’s very affirming to read about other people going through the same!

We met in my home country, moved to a third country, had kids, got fucking sick of the weather and the lifestyle, moved to her country (opposite side of where she’s from though). Now we feel at home and are at peace.

I was born in Canada while my mom was born in Hong Kong and my dad was born in France. They both immigrated to Canada which is where they met.

Growing up was a bit weird for me. Here a lot of kids had immigrant parents, but I was the only one with parents from different countries with completely different cultures. The biggest issue was both of my parents had to communicate with each other in a language that was foreign to both of them, so expressing feelings during fights was hard. My dad learnt English in his teens while my mom learnt English in her 20s, so I could tell my mom would struggle more.

People always ask me how I don’t know my parents mother tongues if I’m an immigrant child and think I was just too lazy to learn it, but no one understands all I grew up hearing was English because my parents couldn’t speak each others languages. I knew a decent amount when I was younger, but I believe it created jealously between my parents. They didn’t have a healthy relationship so they’d use me to ‘spy and translate’ what they were saying on the phone, and they didn’t like it if I spoke to only one parent in their language because the other parent wouldn’t understand and would think we’re hiding something from them. I believe most couples would make an effort to learn and teach a bit of each other’s languages, but mine never did. My parent’s families all still live back home so that didn’t help either. This makes me very sad, there’s always a barrier even when I talk to my parents even now. I always feel like I could communicate and understand them better if I spoke their languages.

When I got older we visited some of my dad’s family, but I can tell my mom never feels fully welcomed. I can also tell both of my parents long for their home countries badly but know they can’t ever really move back. It makes me sad too but the truth is a 3rd country is the only way both feel equal. To be honest I’m happy I was born and raised in Canada rather than one of my parents countries, I think if I was surrounded by only one of my cultures growing up then I would’ve had a worse identity crisis than I already did being a mixed child. Because of this, I think 3rd countries are the best if you plan on having kids someday.

Yes, and we have managed to become citizens in the third country which makes our lives easier.

Yes. You’re not alone.

Home countries = hard mode.

Third (or fourth) country = easy mode.

For no reason whatsoever. Can’t explain why. But it is what it is.

This was my parents, and eventually they decided the “third country” was the best fit for them.

The “third country” was the US though, which is incredibly diverse and easy for immigrants to integrate, so it seemed best.

I’m Aussie, wife is Vietnamese and we met working in advertising in Japan. Still here now with no complaints.

Yes. You’re not alone.
Home countries = hard mode.
Third country = easy mode.
For no reason whatsoever. Can’t explain why. But it is what it is.

We met in a different home country from ours and moved to my home city. My partner was working in a big international firm with good salary and projects but she really missed the international vibe of the city (we met in Berlin and she lived in London before). We now live in the capital city instead and that is kind of a middle ground, getting a large international city, without losing the practicality of one of us (me) knowing the customs, laws and language.

my partner and i did long distance between Netherlands (me) and Germany (her) for a couple of years. since she doesn’t like my home country (UK), we decided we would try it out together in Germany. After just over a year, I can honestly say I did not enjoy my stay for multiple reasons, and decided to move back to the Netherlands. my partner is now trying to move over from Germany to see if she likes it over here. its basically our last shot together, since if this doesn’t work, what else is there?

I’m really glad you posted this question though, I feel like this is quietly an enormously heart wrenching and difficult undertaking, to be in this situation, which isn’t widely recognised in general. big love and all the best to all you international lovers out there!

Yes. I’m living it now. It’s pretty isolating, but overall the quality of life is better for our child in my wife’s country.

This is what broke my previous relationship. We met in my country. She went back to hers. We kept flirting. Started for real in a third country, things were great. Moved to her country. She slipped back into all her old routines and friend circle. She could not understand that I as a foreigner in her home country might have cultural adjustment issues, language issues, etc. I wanted to move to a new third country. She didn’t, she thought her country was the best place in the world. Eventually it all fell apart.