I’ve lived in paris for 5/6 years, I was fluent when I arrived (years of international school) and my mom had already been living here for several years. Still, it was a big culture shock and adjustment and absolutely levelled up my French to the point where now French people usually assume I am from here.
The problem is even with all that, I just don’t feel at home. Some cultural differences feel insurmountable, the blasé and critical attitude is difficult for me, I’ve always been very high energy and jokey and have a hard time finding people in everyday life who match that energy. Whenever I go back to the states I feel so fulfilled and like myself and it really makes me question why I’m here. I have a very cool job in the non-profit sector, so not super well-paid, and a very stable loving relationship, my apartment, my mom… there’s still something where I feel like I’ll never fully be accepted here. I feel like my American-ness immediately puts me down in peoples’ eyes, I feel like I will never write perfectly or totally grasp codes and it will always take me a slight extra effort to understand things that are easy for people here. I don’t get cultural references and I don’t know the clichés of every tiny town and region.
I’m from New York so I liked living here because I felt that Paris was such a better cost of living/quality of life ratio, and I love the work-life balance and accessibility of culture. However, what use are my 5 weeks of vacation if I spend half of them going back home? And probably, I always will, because my missing home will never go away, my friends and family there will keep getting married or getting sick or just being there ?
And France’s descent into xenophobic fascism is not helping. I know all the issues in the US, but it’s different, I am from there and always will be, whereas I am actively choosing to live in France and contribute to its economy.
Just feeling like the jig is up and I did what I had to do, and now I can leave. This is just venting, don’t know if anyone here can relate, if this is a bump in the road or a red alert.
It’s strange reading your post. You seem to have it all: you are young, well educated, you have a great job, speak fluent French, you live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world with one of the best health care systems in the world… And on top of that you have a loving partner, a place to live, family…
And yet, you feel “the jig is up”? Because you think people “put you down” for not being 100% French? Why do you care what they think? And your 5 weeks of vacation might not be so well spent because you use them to fly to the USA? Talk about 1st world problems!
I mean… It’s hard to sympathize with your plight because I don’t really see the issue tbh. You have what probably 99% want. You are winning life and yet you are sad.
I think some people expect to be happy, feel the world owes them happiness. And if they aren’t happy, it can only mean they need to change an external factor: change a job, dump their partner, move to a new country, whatever. They are always looking for that external “thing” that will finally make them happy. And sure, if you are in a bad relationship, change it! If your boss is an asshole, switch jobs! But that’s not your situation, is it? Quite the opposite!
It sounds to me like your problem is not Paris, but something inside yourself. You need to understand that until you come to terms with who you are, until you are comfortable with yourself, you will always be looking to fix something external. Now it’s Paris, but my guess is if you go back to the US, in 2-3 years you’ll be talking about Asia, or South America, or going back to graduate school, or whatever. Anything to fix that hole you can’t seem to fill.
Happiness and self-fulfillment comes from within. But we first need to choose to be happy, it’s a conscious decision. Then we process our experiences to fulfill that chosen path.
Good luck.
Comments like this annoy me. Just because someone has what lots of other people want doesn’t mean their life is perfect and fulfilled.
Culture is really important. If you’re someone who values warmth and openness and community and you’re in a cold unwelcoming society it can cause massive depression.
Everyone is different, what makes people happy is different from person to person, and I don’t believe the whole “you should be happy wherever you are”, happiness is very much linked to external circumstances just as much as internal.
Learning to practice mindfulness, gratitude and related, going to therapy or trying medication is a lot easier than moving because you’re unhappy. Also the idea that Paris is a monoculture is absurd. OP could find hundreds if not thousands of Americans to hang with in Paris at any given moment, not to mention countless other people who don’t behave like stereotypical Parisians.
And I don’t mean to be critical, but you said it yourself. You moved from somewhere “bad” to somewhere “better” and you’re still unhappy, though blaming it on the previous place. You are the common denominator here.
Happiness is objectively not equally related to internal vs external factors.
What? You’re making a massive assumption with no evidence. Moving brought an instant massive improvement to my life and solved just about every problem I was having in the place that wasn’t a good fit. Life is better on every metric.
However I am still paying the price for what the previous place did to my health. That’s how damaging living in the “wrong” place can be for some people. If you don’t believe that that’s your problem.