I’ve lived in paris for 5/6 years, I was fluent when I arrived (years of international school) and my mom had already been living here for several years. Still, it was a big culture shock and adjustment and absolutely levelled up my French to the point where now French people usually assume I am from here.

The problem is even with all that, I just don’t feel at home. Some cultural differences feel insurmountable, the blasé and critical attitude is difficult for me, I’ve always been very high energy and jokey and have a hard time finding people in everyday life who match that energy. Whenever I go back to the states I feel so fulfilled and like myself and it really makes me question why I’m here. I have a very cool job in the non-profit sector, so not super well-paid, and a very stable loving relationship, my apartment, my mom… there’s still something where I feel like I’ll never fully be accepted here. I feel like my American-ness immediately puts me down in peoples’ eyes, I feel like I will never write perfectly or totally grasp codes and it will always take me a slight extra effort to understand things that are easy for people here. I don’t get cultural references and I don’t know the clichés of every tiny town and region.

I’m from New York so I liked living here because I felt that Paris was such a better cost of living/quality of life ratio, and I love the work-life balance and accessibility of culture. However, what use are my 5 weeks of vacation if I spend half of them going back home? And probably, I always will, because my missing home will never go away, my friends and family there will keep getting married or getting sick or just being there ?

And France’s descent into xenophobic fascism is not helping. I know all the issues in the US, but it’s different, I am from there and always will be, whereas I am actively choosing to live in France and contribute to its economy.

Just feeling like the jig is up and I did what I had to do, and now I can leave. This is just venting, don’t know if anyone here can relate, if this is a bump in the road or a red alert.

  • One_Cloud_5192@alien.topBEnglish
    1·
    1 year ago

    There is something to be said. About The Grass is always greener. I am German who live in the Netherlands “along many other countries so “. I tend to romanticize about places I’ve lived prior whichever current country I finally live in. I can easily integrate and language has never been a barrier. Even now people just assume I’m local. But I always stick out as a sore thumb and wonder if I should just move to Germany “or elsewhere” Even my work is based in another EU country that I visit a few times a year. A few years ago I tried to settle there but decided it’s not for me and came back. Now that I visit it a few times and the weather is usually better and I am out of my daily routine. It’s cheaper than where I live. I thought, maybe I should just move here. Even though the big issues I hated back then not only still exist but probably have gotten worse.

    I have a friend of mine also from a European country who has migrated to the US and honestly he’s more American now than he is European.

    This past summer after he visited his home country which he does annually, told me that it was so nice that he’s considering moving back.

    You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. I believe its the Holiday goggles or the short term memory that makes it always seem better at that other place. Rather than being faced by the same daily routine and reminded day in and day out about the things that we don’t really like and enjoy.

    Whenever I or I believe anyone go back to their home country for a visit they always feel very welcome by friends and family where they all make time to see you, greet you and make you feel special. Given that you’d be visiting for only a period of time. But it might not be the case once one is back for good.

    However, if you’re mostly unhappy where you are and you have the option to move back, then do. Sometimes it’s better to make a choice than not at all.

    Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can find your place and feel content wherever you end up.

    • ativanjennyalien@alien.topOPBEnglish
      1·
      1 year ago

      thanks for this reply, this is part of why i’m not gone yet, i don’t want to leave with my rose-colored glasses, regret it, and have to start back from square one (visa-wise) if i want to come back

    • fwork_@alien.topBEnglish
      1·
      1 year ago

      I have also lived in a few different countries and periodically got the feeling “oh maybe I should just move back home, I miss the culture/friends/family”

      Until I actually did it and moved back home.

      I lasted about 6 months, then moved abroad again.

      Family and friends make a bit extra effort when you are there on holiday as there’s just for a short time; when I moved back home after the first few weeks everyone went back to their normal life, including me with work and suddenly I started feeling again like I was out of place and noticing all the small things that made me not want to live there in the first place.

      I still miss home and randomly have the urge to go back but it mainly happens in moments when something else is going on in my life that annoys me, as soon as that is sorted I realize I am actually good where I am and a holiday home is enough of a fix.

      OP, it might not be the case for you but weigh the pros and cons of moving back. It sounds like you have a family and a life in France, moving will not be easy even if it is the right thing for you to do. Best of luck!!