It’s only been two months since my husband and I left the U.S. and we’ve been settling in really nicely to our new life in the Netherlands. We went into this knowing that things would happen back home without us, both good and bad. A few weeks before we left, we learned that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby. My stepsister got married earlier this month. We anticipated missing holidays. We knew this would come with the territory.
Two weeks ago our dear friend became hospitalized from a chronic illness flaring up. It was hard to hear about but he kept us updated on things and he’s since been discharged and is doing well.
Two days ago my mother-in-law told us she was in the hospital, having felt tightness in her chest. My mother-in-law is unmarried and my husband has no siblings. We are her only family. A few years ago, she had moved from Washington to Arizona to be closer to us, so it hit her hard when we decided to leave, but a big part of our decision-making was that being in AZ, she wouldn’t be alone, she would have my family around too. She struggled a lot when we told her about our intentions to move, but she came around and has been really supportive and happy for us. But now she’s in the hospital. The family member who struggled the most emotionally with us leaving. The family member who doesn’t have a partner.
She relies (relied) on my husband so much and now he’s gone and she’s having a health emergency. My mom is awesome and has already visited with her and cancelled plans to go out of town so that she can help. And my MIL’s friend has flown in to help out too.
But yesterday the angiogram revealed 3 clogged arteries and my mother-in-law will need bypass surgery. They aren’t doing the surgery until after the holiday weekend, so she has to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital and on Monday she will have major surgery and need weeks of recovery and care and all the while my husband and I are here on the other side of the world. I feel powerless. I feel selfish. I can’t believe that such a huge health emergency is happening, let alone not two months after we left. I’m scared about the surgery and I’m worried about the recovery and I hate that we’re not there.
My MIL is staying positive and we’re doing daily video calls now. I bought some things on Amazon and shipped them to my mom’s house so she can take them to the hospital. I don’t know what else to do. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I feel ridiculous for doing this stupid move. Any worry I felt when my friend went into the hospital has been multiplied by 10,000. A few years ago my husband and I took a trip to Thailand and while we were gone my MIL’s dog died suddenly and it was hard not being there to support her and now here we are again, thousands of miles away.
I’m going to see if my husband can fly home for Christmas and I’ll stay here with the dogs. I feel so guilty for moving away.
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This things happen… I moved to Europe from Central Asia 10 years ago and literally 4 months after my dad died suddenly from a heart attack. I felt TERRIBLE at the beginning, very guilty for moving and have that happen while I was away… But these things just happen… It’s not your fault, maybe bad luck, but sometimes you just have to move outside…
I feel you OP. It sounds like a bad situation made worse by distance but trust that your MIL has the strength to pull through this.
We went through something similar with my dad and my mom right as we left the country (both in their 70’s), and my therapist made me realize that they can manage much better than we think they can. And they did. They survived 3 big surgeries and some other procedures while I was gone. They’re strong and want to survive as much as anyone.
Hang in there, they and you got this.
Sorry to read of your troubles. But hang in there. This too shall pass. I’ve been here 12 years and it’s been a wonderful ride.
Also, keep in mind it’s soul destroying to put off your wishes for what might, or might not, happen.
Moving away from family and friends is like a divorce. You can’t expect that you’ll be able to live in both places simultaneously, like nothing happened.
The ones left behind will live daily without you and they’ll have their own sad or happy moments to share with the ones who are at that exact time there, not far away.
In my case, I call daily via WhatsApp video my parents, but they’re the only ones with whom I have this kind of “intense” communication. With everyone else I’m chatting every now and then, but not daily.
When I visit my hometown, every 3-5 months, it always feels like I’ve missed a lot, because their lives are not on standby whilst I’m away.
Don’t feel guilty, it’s not your responsibility to look after all these other people. It is the awful system in your home country that doesn’t support them.
You’ve made the choice to move to NL to better your own life… you’ve done the right thing 😊
Blaming the system isn’t doing anything for op rn.
correct, but it’s still not their fault nor should they feel any guilt
We moved to Ireland and three months later my dad died extremely suddenly. I had to fly back and handle all the logistics of that for my mom who was basically paralyzed. She ended up moving back to her hometown and leaving the house for me to deal with. I’m not going to lie, it ate up about a year of our lives to get that all sorted. But the other commenter is right - it would have done that regardless. My husband got long covid just as we were recovering from my dad’s death - that took another year to get our feet back under us. Again, illness happens regardless of where you live.
It seems you and I were dealt the hand where the honeymoon period of moving abroad is abruptly ended by the reality of life. I am so very grateful that we moved and will never take for granted the respite I found in my adopted country. We’ve decided to move home for a couple years as we’re expecting our first (and only) baby and want to be around family for the really tricky years - but we’ll be back to Europe some day, I know it in my bones.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Life can be a total bitch sometimes. Find the beauty in all the new things you get to discover. I hope things turn around for you soon ❤️
I’m so sorry about your dad. That sounds like a tremendously difficult situation and I appreciate you sharing. I am glad we moved but yes, the reality of life is hitting very hard right now.
Can I ask where home is? How did you find life in Ireland - how long are you there?