I can’t really talk about this with my family without them flipping out on me, so I hope I can have some advice before I reveal it to them.
(I am also unsure if this is the right subreddit to ask for advice, but if it isn’t, redirection would be helpful!)
For some context; I (18) was born and raised in Southern California and moved once within the state due to financial issues. In 2019/2020, my family and I moved to S Korea due to my father’s job (related to military/govt. stuff I actually don’t know what he does). I spent my final highschool years at an international school in Seoul, and I graduated recently. Currently for education, I do a sort of online community college as the schooling situation for me was difficult, that the military pays somewhat for. I do not have a job, and all my friends have left the country, and I cannot speak Korean at a conversational level; I feel miserable and bored. Due to this lack of knowing the language, I cannot do lots of things (martial arts, job) that require specific instruction.
My lifestyle seems to be clashing with my own family members that I live with, and tensions are getting higher, and I am becoming less and less enthusiastic about living here. It seems like I have to act in a certain way that avoids things that may start ‘trouble’, like mental health, and a seemingly crazy standard of ‘respect’. I am also a very social person, and having no social interaction besides my own family is starting to get kind of stale, as it most likely may end in small disagreements that ultimately blow up.
I would like to move back to California in search of more life experience, rather than sitting idly. As for where I may stay, I am planning to ask my cousins if their parents would be okay with me crashing until I could get on my own feet, as they go to college and commute from their house. The reason why I mention this is because before I graduated, they offered for me to live with them while I went to school there (I declined because of a lot of personal issues) and they are quite a bit well off as they said I wouldn’t need to pay rent if I stayed.
I am grateful for the opportunities and experiences I have had here in Korea, however this style of life is not for me as it is quite literally making me feel like I am not living, and frankly being around my family is making me live on edge at all times. I would like to have a job and be able to drive, and have similar life experiences, as my older brother a few years older than me, has none and is a bit socially awkward and way to laid back, lazy almost. To be frank, I would not like to become that kind of person, as we were often regarded to be similar people when we were younger. While I do understand that there is definitely going to be a lot of hardships coming up, my life experiences, compared to peers my age, is simply elementary, and quite a bit embarrassing (imo).
Any advice is welcome, and thank you for taking the time to read this far! <3
TDLR: Unhappy with my stale and boring life in the current country I am in due to a lack of important life skills/experiences. Want to move back to my home state with other family members in search of opportunities to have such life experiences, and generally more opportunities that fit my lifestyle.
I think going back to CA sounds like a great idea! You’ve got all the big items sorted: you have the US passport and you have a place to stay. I recommend going back, getting a job to save up some money, and exploring community college options. Community colleges in CA are free or very low cost for residents but I’m not sure how long you’ll have to live in CA to establish residency.
Not a judgement, but a question…why are you not taking on learning Korean as a socialization activity? That seems to be 90% of your current problem.
I don’t know about OP’s situation but I agree that you should make sure to learn the local language of the country you live in. I am from Europe living in the US and can’t even imagine how difficult and isolated life would be if I hadn’t made an effort to learn English quickly.
Replying to both; I did take Korean lessons at my school for 1.5 years, however I went to a very studious type of international school where I wasn’t using any of the Korean due to staying indoors and studying (+ other personal issues). Also I have faced discrimination heavily in the country as I do not look Korean at all (lol) and locals have sometimes straight up chosen to ignore me … :[
This sounds like a really hard situation and it sounds like you know what will help you and get you on the road to happiness. I hope your cousins are welcoming and you get back to California soon!
Yoo I suggest searching through the personal finance sub for related posts just to get a financial perspective. Because if you really do commit to coming back to the states, it would be good to have some sort of gameplan (whether that be sticking with college, trade school, etc and how to fund that)
I think you may be comparing yourself too much to your peers and bro, everyone moves at their own pace and takes different paths to get there. When you discuss with your family, maybe you could find out when his tour will be over and it might make moving back a bit smoother if that’s what you decide.
Everything you say makes sense. You didn’t choose to move there. And the culture is just not a good fit for you. Why don’t you just make this easy on yourself and your family and go back to school in California? You really do need to go to college and not try to do everything from scratch. And this would buy you plenty of time to get your life sorted out. And then also to eventually find a career. I can’t believe your family would be upset to hear that you wanna go to college, and I imagine as your dad is in the military, there’s likely to be some financial aid.
I think they are upset less about the fact that I want to go to college (I am currently doing online courses that I do not enjoy at all) but more of the fact that I would like to leave them in search of life, as they may see it as a personal offense. As for the military part, I’m unsure if the financial aid will go that far as it was mentioned before that I may be cut off due to some sort of government laws (I have no idea about this, but its been mentioned before.) Anyways, thanks for the reply.
It would be very odd for your parents not to understand why you wanna return to the U. S. I think you may be overthinking it. But you know your parents better than I do. Also, he works for the American government. So, if there is financial aid, it should take care of you in an American school. If it doesn’t, you can go to a community college in California to start to get your feet , get settled, and then move on. Good luck.
Lidos to you for being self aware enough to lnow what you want and even considering giving yourself the chance to honor what is important to you. People in your family might talk but betraying your self to avoid that would be even more painful. Go for it!
I think you already have your answer.
I’m an American in Korea but moving back next year. SK can be a heard place for someone raised in the West, and even a lot of young Koreans are struggling-- housing prices, loneliness, isolation, work culture.
Since you’re a U.S. citizen (I assume, by birth) going back to Cali and attending school and finding a job should be easier than if you didn’t have a U.S. passport. Korea will still be there in the future if you want to come back.
It sounds like you already have housing which you could use as your address for in-state tuition.
Best of luck to you!
Hello, thanks for the reply! Korea is definitely a good vacation/short trip spot that I have toured many of my friends from the states in, and may even come back to visit my family. However, living there long-term is a different story. Thanks for the best wishes and hope you are doing well.
Definitely move back. The fact that your cousins family offered a place for you to say earlier means they probably have a bit of insight into your situation and want you to know there’s a safe place to land if you need it. At 18 you don’t need your parents permission or approval so if they try to block you or insist you can’t go, don’t let them hold you back.
I know people who’ve lived in Korea/japan and there’s a big difference in the life you can enjoy if you struggle with the language. Since it’s not your choice to live there in the first place I can imagine it would be even more challenging. Are you on any 3rd culture kids forums? If not maybe check them out, see if you can find other people your age living in Korea with similar experiences. It’s good to get impartial advice from people who’ve had the same experiences. Best of luck
I think move back, at least for now. I had a similar experience being from California and living ~5 years in the UK. Did my undergrad there, was forced to move back to California since getting a visa was impossible before they had the graduate route, then COVID happened within a few months of me moving to SF and getting a job, so I decided to do a masters in London after I saved up. Moved back and stayed there for a year and a half but was miserable overall. I loved being able to live and study there, and I miss the friends I made, but ultimately I was like you — wasting away and not meshing well with the culture and people (and weather lol). I found that most days after work once I graduated I wasn’t going out to explore London anymore, I didn’t feel like I was doing anything there I couldn’t do anywhere else, I was isolating, I felt lonely, so I moved back.
I still worry it was the “wrong decision” since the US has its problems too — I was about to move back to the UK this month and panicked massively the day before my flight. We’re talking crying the entire day, breaking down stressed about all the struggle to move and start over so far away again (and if it didn’t work out in a year before my visa expired then facing the fact that I’d have to move back AGAIN) and ultimately, I like being back in California, at least for now. You can always go and explore another country in the future but it sounds like being around other family and back in a familiar place where you can speak to people will be good for you. People here are friendly and welcoming, it’s diverse. Get yourself some classes, maybe a job to earn some savings, and figure out what you want, not what your peers or family wants. I’m definitely still in that mindset of “what will people think of me” and “am I taking a step back for not living abroad still” but our lives are only about us, not everyone else.
I’m still trying to figure it out too and I eventually see myself trying another country (once I have a better idea of what I want to do with my life) but it’s reassuring knowing you have time to figure it all out. If you give california a try and it’s not for you then at least you know you gave it a shot.
“Don’t speak korean”
Social interaction ends in disagreements…
Sounds like you’re one of those Americans who just can’t fit in anywhere else.
Just go home