I’m going to start with some background. Feel free to skip, but the background gives context.
Background: 45F US (California) expat living in Australia. I had always dreamed about living in Australia, but didn’t get a chance until my late 30s with a work assignment. In addition to being a lifelong dream, it felt like perfect timing because my parents had died a few years earlier; I was feeling burnt out in my job but not sure what to do next; and I was buying into the toxic view everyone was spouting online about the US being a sh*thole (I was quite terminally online at the time)). My expectation was that I’d be coming back after two years because the job was a limited assignment, and my partner and I had just bought a house. So I didn’t really have homesickness the first two years because I didn’t think I’d be staying. And during that time I didn’t really try set up a life here.
Then my plans were derailed. My partner, who is the only person I’d ever been with and for a very, very long time—split up with me and went back to the US. I felt I had nowhere to go back to, so I decided to stay in Australia longer. I had my ex buy me out of the house. Since then, I’ve tried fairly hard to make a life for myself in Aus. I got citizenship. I traveled the country. Made some great friends in the early years. Tried dating. Invested in local therapists, doctors, groups, clubs, bought a car, etc. But nothing I’ve done feels like it’s stuck. Between COVID and lockdowns, every single one of the local friends I made moved overseas, and they don’t keep in touch, unlike my US friends who still make time for calls and visits. I haven’t had luck making new friends since COVID. I have an ambitious work streak, which doesn’t really match the working culture here – my career, which was quite good in the US, has stagnated terribly, and fear of incurring harsh US taxes has kept me from starting my own business (I used to run a side business in the US). I have been, for years, unsuccessful at dating (I’m a childfree non-drinking non-sports-enthusiast, which kinda limits my options with the locals) and I also just can’t crack Australia style dating culture. Sometimes it feels like I’m similar enough to Australians that I should be able to fit in, but still different enough that I can’t get there. And there are some things that US folks idealize about living in Australia — like universal healthcare — that doesn’t really shine as well IRL. I’m not going to lie and say I’ve tried every possible thing, but I’m an introvert, so I’m not going to go ham on things I know I can’t keep up with. Recently, I’ve determined that I really, really want to buy a house and get a dog. I’ve given up trying to find a partner to settle down with. I can’t do that if I’m still not sure about staying in Australia. So I’ve been thinking, maybe instead of continuing to force myself to make it work here, maybe it’s time for me to head back to the US and make good on this idea I’d always had that I’d go back. Either that, or I need to find a form of therapy more drastic than that I’ve had the past 5 years to break me out of this mindset and force me to radically accept Australia as my final home.
OK, background over. It’s been 8 years since I lived in the US, so I know things are going to be different. I get it, but also Australia isn’t as ideal as it used to be either. I also won’t have the anchors or “safety net” I used to have when I lived in the US, of parents or a partner. Even the job market isn’t what it was when I left. In an ideal world, I’d move back to California, a state that I loved. I visit enough to know how the situation there has degraded, though, so safety and crime are a bit worrisome, as is whether I could even afford any property there since I’ve spent 8 years earning AUD instead of USD – in fact, I have some anxiety about needing to make this move soon because the longer I earn in AUD, the less and less likely I can afford the US later).
Anyways: Are there good subs to ask about finding states to move to? Or, if this sub knows, care to give any recommendations? I don’t want to start looking for jobs in the US without first picking a location. For me, the things I care about include: Relative safety; progressive state government; job opportunities (I’m in tech, with skills transferrable to other sectors like biotech); access to good doctors; and housing that would be affordable relative to the local market salaries. Florida is out (sorry!). Access to airports for travel purposes would be great. I don’t have kids, so I don’t have to worry about that side of things. It’d be nice if there was a good dating pool, but at my age and with me not having kids, I think it’s just going to be impossible anywhere. And if anyone has gone through this situation at an older age before, would love to hear it. Thanks!
I can’t address all of your concerns as my situation was and is a bit different.
First, don’t think of your age as being an impediment. I moved out of the US a year ago at the age of 46. It was a significant amount of work and stress but I did it. It’s a matter of mindset, not age.
My wife of 20 years had unexpectedly left me while I was on a business trip in 2018 and the years after that were just me existing. Add that to the political and societal landscape of the US declining significantly after the 2016 election with maga left it feeling very unappealing to me. I won’t even consider going back to the US until I see what happens in November 2024. If drump wins I won’t go back. I’m not part of the bandwagon that says the US is a “shit hole”, like any other country it has its pros and cons. For me, the cons far outweigh the pros.
I too am an introvert. But even more so than most. So to have taken the leap to move out of the US to a non-English speaking country was definitely a step out of my comfort zone. I don’t go out, can’t date, can’t make friends. I knew this going in, and other than the language barrier my situation, had I stayed in the US, would have been the same. My constant loneliness is just a way of living now.
I think the cost of living in the US is another huge obstacle. Housing, whether you’re renting or buying, is not easily obtainable. Even if you make a good salary, so much of it will go into basic necessities. I’m very lucky in that I work for a US employer that allows me to work abroad remotely. My money goes much further here than it would in the US.
My advice is to do what you feel is in your best interest. But do not make a quick decision. Factor in as much as you can.
While I have no doubt others will play down the potential affects of a 2024 drump win. That will indeed have dire consequences beyond theorized expectations.